Review and Giveaway at Joyfully Jay Plus Awesome New Etsy store

Wacky Wednesday has been reviewed at Joyfully Jay m/m romance reviews! See the review here.

I also have a guest post there with a giveaway opportunity. The giveaway runs until Monday at midnight, so head to Joyfully Jay, read/skim/ignore my post on why I love writing domestic discipline and brats, and leave a comment to get in on the action.

Guest Post and Giveaway.

In other fabulous news, my good friend artist MC Blackman, whom I interviewed last month, has just opened her own Etsy shop. So if you're looking for some seriously gorgeous spiked and studded collars and cuffs, look no further than TwoCentDesigns. Some of these pieces are downright fierce, some are understatedly badass, and some are subtle and lovely. I am fortunate to own a few pieces and can't say enough about the quality of the craftsmanship or how sexy I feel when I'm wearing them.

Check out TwoCentDesigns.

Guesting at RLF and Joyfully Jay

Today I'm a guest at Romance Lives Forever, run by the wonderful Kayelle Allen, answering questions about writing and telling embarrassing pet stories.

Tomorrow, 5/31, I'm guest blogging at Joyfully Jay about writing DD and brat characters. There's also a giveaway!

Back in the Day

Professor Anne and I are done with school for the summer and are relaxing at my mom's house in West Virginia for a couple of weeks before heading back to Cockroachlandia.

The other night we walked down the block to my grandparents' house, and my grandparents started telling stories about their high school and college years. I've heard them talk a little bit before about how they met and what their school experience was like, but never in so much detail. It was really wonderful.

I haven't yet had the courage to write about a bygone era. I guess I'm too afraid I'll "get it wrong." I don't know why it's so consistently surprising to me to discover that people behaved the same way, wanted the same things, and had the same senses of humor "back in the day" as they do now. Although I will say my grandpa has pulled some pranks that I wouldn't even consider. Replacing the town bully's RC Cola with motor oil? Isn't that...dangerous? Grandpa just chuckles.

The man is hardcore.

Last night my sister brought a giant photo album up from the basement and we looked at pictures of our parents when they were first married. We joked that we weren't really sure we liked this whole idea that they'd had a life before we came along. But it was fun to try to piece that life together. What the heck were they doing in Kennebunk, Maine? Why are they hanging out with  a collie? Why doesn't dad's hair change from 1980 onward?

This week has made me really want to write something set during a time before I existed. I get so caught up in what's going on right now in my world that I sometimes forget that people I love have had experiences I'll never be part of, and that those experiences still affect them, shape them, and bring them joy or pain or both. It gets my imagination all revved up hearing their stories and looking at photographs.

Of course I love the stories and photos for more than just their potential to serve as writing inspiration.

But my writer-mind can't help taking notes.

Release Party at TRS

Join me today at The Romance Studio for an all day release party. Lots of great authors and books and prizes.

Wacky Wednesday Released and Giveaway Winner Announced

All right! Wacky Wednesday is officially here. Right now it is available at Loose Id. I will put up more buy links as they become available.

To celebrate the release, Allen Ginspurr, feline love guru, is back on the blog to answer his second wave of questions. Thanks again to those who wrote in. I hope Mr. Ginspurr's advice is, um, enlightening.

You can check out Round 1 here.

Also, the winner of the Ask Allen Ginspurr Giveaway, chosen by random.org, is Lonely on the Prairie! Lonely wins a $15 Amazon gift card and an e-copy of Wacky Wednesday. Congrats, Lonely.

I'm going to hand it over to Ginspurr now. But please join me at The Romance Studio's release party this Thursday, May 24 for more celebration.

Furreal: Meowdern Romance Advice with Allen Ginspurr Round 2

Dear Mr. Ginspurr,

I like your accessories. I actually just purchased a new set of cuffs, and even though they're great, they're not exactly what I was looking for.

Haha, maybe my needs are a little particular. I'm looking for a set of comfy leather cuffs that (obviously) link, but I want them to unhook too. I want to wear them as bracelets, but when the sun goes down have them transform into sturdy cuffs.

So my questions is, where do you get your wear?

Sweetness and Light,
Cake Diamond Claymore

My sweet Cake Diamond,

It depends on what kind of money you’re willing to drop. Believe me when I say I know the pain of wanting to look dashing by day, dungeon-ready by night, yet knowing that such versatility is, well, bound to cost a front leg and a back leg.

My wardrobe was created by an out of state designer. The two humans in charge of lawn care, dishes, and drama at my house get their grownup wear at stores with names like The Chamber or Black Hole. Your name alone suggest that you are much too classy to be caught dead in a pair of cuffs you purchased from a place called Thrust in Me, so here’s what I’ll do. I’ll put you in contact with my personal designer. She only outfits cats right now, but one day during a mutual dreamshare she confessed a desire to try her skills on select number of small, lithe humans. I’ll give you her e-mail address. Mention my name. I get a free Brando cap for each referral I make. She’s a bit pricey, but could probably be purrsuaded to give you a discount. I will leave the tactics up to you.

In the meantime, may I suggest a couple of Livestrong bracelets and a piece of twine? Not elegant, but innovative—like duct tape prom dresses. I have seen it done in my very household. It is actually the thing I third most wish to un-see, after the Masons’ cat getting a bath in the front yard and The Grey.

Hit me up off list.

A.G.

 

Hi Mr. Ginspurr! What is your suggestion for a very romantic date?

--gigi

February 14^th.  Sweetheart, I’m kidding. I assume you mean a setup that includes wining, dining, and possibly binding.

The best date I ever had was in a dumpster in Pittsford Village with a Scottish fold who loved bananas, but I understand dumpsters aren't really part of the human scene except among--am I saying this right?--"freegans."

For discretion, mood lighting, and a list of local channels taped right to the TV, you can’t beat the Newport News La Quinta Inn. Their indiscriminate pet policy ensures that the floor always smells like dachshund piss, and should the men who call themselves your masters but are not masters of your soul fill the ice bucket with water for you, you can guarantee you’ll get hairs from at least five different creatures on your tongue. Headboards are sturdy, breakfast is disappointing but free. WiFi is spotty.

Take your lover there for an "overnight date" or "getaway weekend," and watch that special someone's eyes light up when they see there's a TJ Maxx within walking distance.

I don't know how one human might hope to "lick that sunburn right off" another, but I have seen it attempted at the NNLQI. And now I'm thinking that might be the third thing I most wish to un-see.

If class, elegance, and limited time commitment are more your dish, might I recommend dinner at a restaurant I have seen advertised on TV—an establishment called Max & Erma’s, where the food is fresh, never frozen. What is a tortilla burger? Wouldn’t you like to know. And wouldn’t your companion.

--A.G. 

Moving on.

Hello Mr. Ginspurr! I need your help!

A few years ago I moved home from college in NYC to take care of my sick mom. I now live in the middle of nowhere Oklahoma and I haven't had a date since :( I need help finding a man! What do you think of internet dating??

Lonely on the Prairie

Dear Lonely,

I live with two men. Please, take them both, if ye be so bold a self-saboteur. You would not believe the indignities I have suffered at their hands. Do the words Florence Eiseman bonnet mean anything to you?

I would be a fool indeed to pretend to understand the ins and outs of technology. But I will say this: Several of my friends use an internet dating site called Petfinder. They say it is the perfect place to meet lonely singles so desperate to get out of their current situations they’ll agree to anything—even a date with a cat they barely know posing as a human willing to offer them a forever home. 

I’m sure humans must have some equivalent to Petfinder. Get on there and get yourself a profile. Be sure to include a pick up line (I like, “Hello, you saucy Manx. I wouldn’t mind mating with you between the months of January and August, when your estrus cycle is at its peak.” But you can use anything.) See what tumbleweed blows your way. You have nothing to lose except your dignity. And that can be replaced.

Best, 

A.G. 

All right. Don't pretend to be meowdest. I know you must have more questions. Let's hear 'em.

Allen, I have never read any of the books that you are in so I guess I want to know why I should start now? Will I not be able to put the books down once I start reading them?
--Yvette

Yvette, honey, imagine the following scenario: You’re a young, handsome, virile cat. Glossy black fur, an engaging patch of white on his chest. White socks on every foot but one. Whiskers that lesser domestic shorthairs would die for. You’re living at the Wood County Humane Society. It’s not an ideal life, but you’re tough enough to handle it.

One day you’re sprung by two men, one who acts like a seven year old who’s pounded a few of the giant pixie sticks and one who literally will not get out of the car until it’s parked right between the lines. You’re neutered, declawed, and forced to endure day in and day out a sign on the wall over your food dish that says “Every dog must have its day but the other 364 belong to cats.”

Human clothes, Yvette. Bonnets. Booties. A line of Burberry-derived products for cats called Purrberry. At one point you are “walked” on a harness and leash—though you put an end to that real fast. You’re discouraged from sleeping on the couch. Denied the table scraps you’re too proud to beg for though your eyes speak of a calm and dignified need. You start thinking one day you’ll write a book about all this: The Litterbox Within: 20 Ways Good Cats Sabotage Ourselves to Please Humans and How We Can Stop.

And then the ultimate injustice occurs. Before you can write your book, publish, make millions, and move upstate, your jailers write and publish their own story. How many times are you mentioned in it, Yvette? You’ve lived with them for a year and a half, have endured their collar bells and baby talk, have rubbed against their legs to earn a bite of tuna, have resisted what remains a potent urge to spray their sofa…How many times do they mention you?

Six times. In 171 pages. Always in passing, a throwaway line, something that makes you sound as though you are incapable of any action more complex than waving a paw.

Why read Wacky Wednesday, Yvette? Read it so that you truly understand the meaning of the word "upstaged." So that you know what it means to be cleaved from the annals of history. Share the injustice with me.

Sincerely,

Allen Ginspurr

Dear Mr. Ginspurr,

In this day and age it's hard to find love, no?

Exhibit A (of many exhibits, trust me: I met this pretty brunette last week at the local grad bar and we hit it off (I thought). She let me buy her a drink at least and booked a second date. We hit the dance floor hard, a few more bars. A good late-night smooch.

But (second date) after talking with her for awhile I quickly realized that she wasn't interested in giving me her heart, or taking hold of mine. This isn't the first time I've been a little disheartened about dating.

Am I old? Probably. But is it so much to ask to want more than a night under strobe lights? Or more than the initial groping? I'm not asking to save the damsel from the tower or slay a dragon. I probably can't slay a dragon. I'm probably not fit enough to climb those tower stairs. But really, where's the romance gone to? So I was hoping you could point me in the direction of a good potion maker?

Or a spell caster? I'd like to find a grade a love potion/spell? If I can't find her the regular was I'll cast my way to love!!!

Sweetness and Light,
Cake Diamond Claymore

Cake Diamond,

You sound dangerous. I like it. But this is a question for Hermione Granger, not me.

A.G. 

 

That's all I got in me right now.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Ginspurr. And thanks once again to all participants.

J.A. 

Thank You

Thank you so much to everyone who participated in the Hop Against Homophobia. I had a lot of fun meeting people, discovering new blogs, and sharing ideas. Seeing so many people band together to dialogue about an important cause gives me a lot of hope for the future. Thank you for your thought-provoking comments and for the ideas and experiences you shared.

The winner of a copy of By His Rules and a $10 gift certificate to Amazon is Juliana. Congrats!

Tomorrow, May 22, is the release of Wacky Wednesday. The winner of the Ask Allen Ginspurr giveaway will be announced then, and Mr. Ginspurr will be on the blog answering the questions he received. Thank you to those of you who wrote in!

Hop Against Homophobia

Hello! Welcome to my blog, and thanks so much for participating in the Hop Against Homophobia. Here’s what you can win at this stop on your hop: a free ebook copy of my m/m BDSM/domestic discipline romance By His Rules. Check out the BHR page for more info on the book. There’s also a $10 gift certificate to Amazon so you can buy more delicious m/m romances of your choice. The contest ends May 20th, and I will contact the winner at that time.

All you have to do is leave a comment on this post with a way for me to reach you if your name is drawn. A message is always nice but is not required. AND, just to let you know, there is another giveaway happening on this blog right now that ends May 21. So if you’ve been jonesing to receive ridiculous dating advice from a snarky, kinky cat puppet, stop by the Ask Allen Ginspurr Giveaway page to enter.

I want to spend this post talking a little bit about the ways we, with the best of intentions, sometimes use language that presents being gay, bi, trans, or queer as undesirable.

My parents told my siblings and me growing up that they wouldn’t have a problem if we were gay—they would just worry about the bullying we might be subjected to. I am endlessly grateful to them for their support and open mindedness, which allowed me to grow up, watch an in-flight documentary on Shakira at twenty-one, realize I liked girls, and come out without fear or shame. Bullying, harassment, and violence are undeniably problems that LGBTQ individuals face. I’ve been fortunate enough so far to experience minimal harassment for my orientation, but I have friends who haven’t fared quite so well. If I were a parent, I’m sure I’d worry about my LGBTQ kid.

But I don’t know if I agree with expressing “concern” about someone being LGBTQ, even for the most honest and truehearted of reasons. I wouldn’t tell my kid that I’m worried he or she will be bullied because of his or her height or braces or an obsession with Tolkien. And I don’t think I’d tell my kid I’m worried he or she will be bullied for being LGBTQ. Because to express that concern, even in an effort to be supportive, seems to send a subtle message: It would be easier if you weren’t this way.

I’m still sorting through my thoughts on this one. I’d want my LGBTQ kid to be as prepared as possible for the prejudices and cruelty he or she might face, but I also wouldn’t want to give my child the impression that life would be “better” or “easier” if he or she were straight. The more we’re out, honest, and open, the more we celebrate the spectrum of sexual orientation rather than fretting about what could go wrong for LGBTQ individuals, the closer we come to a world where it’s not considered preferable or easier to be straight.

I’m also not sure about the “Who would choose to be gay?” logic gay rights supporters sometimes give in response to those who say sexual orientation is a choice. Who would choose a sexual orientation that gets you bullied, beaten, ostracized, denied rights, or even killed? I understand the sentiment, but the implication is that if we had a choice, we’d all choose to be straight. Because, once again, it’s preferable. It’s easier. It’s normal.

Who would choose to love someone of the same sex?

Why not? Sexual orientation isn’t a choice, but if it was, why the hell not choose a same sex partner or partners? I want to love good people. People who balance me, care about me, and are exploding with the desire to have adventures and create beautiful things and go to the grave without regrets. These traits aren’t gender specific.

The last thing I’m tired of: Giving cookies to those who “tolerate” or “accept” LGBTQs. Tough-guy fathers of gay athletes who come out and say “I accept my child for who he or she is.” Thank you for saying it. Thank you, because there are a lot of parents who don’t respect or support their LGBTQ children. But your child’s sexual orientation is not for you to accept. When I became a graduate teaching assistant at my school, I was told that a C paper is one where a student does everything that’s on the rubric. A and B papers go above and beyond the requirements. Loving your kid for who he or she is? That’s just following the rubric.

I’m not suggesting parents shouldn’t be vocally supportive of their LGBTQ children. It’s when we start heaping praise on parents who don’t disown their gay kids that I start to have a problem. Same deal with Barack Obama saying he supports gay marriage. Damn right you do. You’re the leader of a free country where all citizens are ostensibly created equal. You should have been loudly in support of it from the get-go. No cookies from me, dude.

Like I said, I’m still sorting through my thoughts on this topic, which is why it would be so awesome to hear from you. We don’t have to pretend problems like bullying and violence don’t exist, and we don’t have to refuse to express concern or sympathy for those who experience these problems. But we can be careful that the language we use when discussing LGBTQ issues doesn’t exclude LGBTQs from definitions of what is normal, desirable, or correct. And when we acknowledge the differences between the LGBTQ experience and the mainstream heterosexual experience—because they do exist—let’s try to appreciate those differences, rather than subliminally presenting them to the LGBTQ community as a sentence or a burden.

Guest Blog: Amon & Jayk

"I had piles of stuff to take care of at work: unfinished budget reports, new hires, outlines for future training sessions… Stuff I’d been trying to get through for weeks, but it seemed like for every project I finished, there were two new ones waiting for my attention.
 
I really didn’t have time for a freaky miracle."

--Amon, Wacky Wednesday

Jayk: Hello, Jayk Parker here!

Amon: And Amon Monterey.

J: We’ve been invited onto this blog to talk about my new book—

A: Our new book.

J: That’s what I said. Our new book, Wacky Wednesday. It’s about this one craaaaazy day when Amon and I woke up in each other’s bodies and had to live each other’s lives for twenty-four hours. It was--

J: Awesome A: Terrifying.

J: Awesomely terrifying. Basically, how it started was, we were having some misunderstandings.

A: It was one of those rough patches every couple goes through.

J: Amon was freaking out about hiring someone new at work, so he was totally ignoring me all the time.

A: I was not totally ignoring you.

J: Totally. I’d ask him a question, and he’d stare right through me and kind of tilt his head like maybe he’d heard something but decided it was just the wind, and then he’d go make a spreadsheet—

A: It was nothing like that.

J: He locked me in a cupboard under the stairs, Harry Potter style. I was cold, I was hungry. I kept crying for help, and Amon wouldn’t let me out…

A: If I could be so lucky to have a stair cupboard to shut you in.

J: OMG. Mean!

A: For the record, this is all considerably exaggerated. I was under some stress at work, yes.

J: And I was starting my second semester at school. Well, third. I went for a semester when I was eighteen, but I dropped out. Now I’m back for round two. It suuuuuuuuucks.

A: You like school.

J: I like SOME THINGS about school.

A: Maybe I should preface all this by explaining that Jayk and I have a domestic discipline partnership.

J: He rules over our household with a mighty cane.

A: I do not cane you. Good lord, you’re going to give people the wrong idea.

J: Mighty paddle?

A: Better. But it’s mostly my mighty hand. And that is a very small part of the relationship.

J: The other part is where you whip me for fun.

A: The other part is where we incorporate BDSM elements into our mutually fulfilling and supportive partnership because the lifestyle satisfies a deep need in both of us.

J: What he said.

A: So we were going through a rough patch.

J: I was being a total brat.

A: Your methods of getting my attention were inventive.

J: And he was being a total prig.

A: I was attempting to provide the boundaries I thought you needed.

J: And then suddenly…pyew fwew pchiiiiiiiiing…

A: What is that?

J: That’s the sound of magic.

A: We still don’t know how it happened.

J: But we woke up and our bodies were switched. Suddenly I was this supertall, superbuilt forty-year-old—

A: You were not forty yet.

J: Thirty-nine point nine nine nine nine-year-old awesomely powerful financial executive.

A: And I was an extremely sexy—

J: Scrawny—

A: Beautiful—

J: I’m blushing.

A: College student.

J: College dropout.

A: College student. Who I happen to know just got the only A in his class on that lit final.

J: A first if ever there was one.

A: The first of many.

J: You're embarrassing me. So are we going to tell them what happened?

A: We shouldn’t give away too much. We want them to read the book.

J: True. But they should know there’s mayhem.

A: There’s me trying to ride a bike.

J: There’s Bernard Witmeyer.

A: Body Double.

J: Crab rangoon.

A: Miscalculations.

J: A dungeon party.

A: Enlightenment.

J: It was…

A: Wacky?

J: Exactly. It was one wacky hump day.

A: I’m impressed you managed to go that whole day without making a single hump day joke.

J: My self control is phenomenal. There was a lot of humping, though.

A: Take that look of your face.

J: What look?

A: That leer.

J: I’m not leering. I’m just, uh, ready for bed. Aren’t you? You look ready for bed.

A: I think you’re trying to manipulate me. And you know what I do to manipulative brats?

J: I hope it involves handcuffs and chocolate covered strawberries.

A: Not exactly.

J: Well, I’m going to tell all these fine people that if they read our book, I hope they enjoy it.

A: I second that.

J: Then I’m going to go upstairs and sprawl on the bed naked and just relax. Naked.

A: I’m going to run the dishwasher.

J: Amon. Can’t it wait?

A: Until what?

J: Until we’ve put the hump back in hump day?

A: If you don’t mind eating off the floor tomorrow when there aren’t enough clean plates.

J: Ooh. Hot.

A: Is this something we need to explore?

J: Maaaaybe.

A: Up to bed, soldier. March.

J: Sir, yes, sir. Goodnight everyone. Thanks for reading our post.

A: I’ll be up in a minute. Go on.

J: Listen, swat me and I swear I’ll—

A: Secretly enjoy it?

J: Yup.

A: All right, I'm signing off. But thank you all for reading. Jayk and I hope you enjoy Wacky Wednesday, the incredible, true tale of our body swap.

J: Seriously, total chaos. But I wouldn't trade it for anything.

A: You're still here.

J: I'm gonna help you with the dishes.

A: Isn't he the sweetest? I'd never lock him in a cupboard under the stairs.

J: I know you wouldn't. I'd never bury your toothbrush in the cat's litterbox. [pause] Again.

A: Thank God.

A: Goodnight. J: Goodnight!

Wacky Wednesday available May 22 from Loose Id.

Coming Up

This week...

Wednesday 5/16: Jayk and Amon, MCs from Wacky Wednesday will be guest blogging as part of this month's Wednesday wackiness.

Thursday 5/17: I'm participating in the Hop Against Homophobia. Hope to see you hop by.

Allen Ginspurr is enjoying receiving your romance questions. There's still plenty of time to submit a question to Ginspurr for a chance to win a $15 Amazon gift certificate and a copy of Wacky Wednesday. You may e-mail or tweet a question, or leave it as a comment on this blog. Just make sure to include a way for me to reach you. Questions can be as silly, simple, or complex as you want, and can be posted under any pen name. A random name will be drawn May 21.

See the Ask Allen Ginspurr Giveaway page on this blog for details.

Ask Allen Ginspurr, Win Prizes

Photo by MC Blackman

"She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. I recognized the posture as one I assumed when I was screwing up the courage to confess to Amon that I had, for instance, gouged a great deal of paint off our baseboard while chasing the cat with the vacuum."

 --Jayk, Wacky Wednesday

Hi all! Allen Ginspurr, Jayk and Amon's cat from Wacky Wednesday, was kind enough to stop by the blog today to offer love advice to readers who wrote in with questions. If you have questions of your own, please drop Allen a line (sending a question also enters you in a giveaway to win a $15 Amazon gift card and a copy of Wacky Wednesday). Contact info at the bottom of the post.

Take it away, Allen.

Thank you, J.A. Let's see what the cat dragged in, shall we?

Dear Mr. Ginspurr,

First, I'd like to tell you I'm so glad you've made yourself available for this Q&A, and I truly hope to meet you face to face one day, maybe have the pleasure of a handshake and a photograph to show my family. We're all fans and admirers.

Here is my story.

My girlfriend and I have been living together for almost three months now. We started dating in the autumn of last year and things have truly been nothing but swell for us ever since.  She is a true companion and friend, and I feel I would give anything to have her be my wife and continue our love for the rest of our lives. Her name is Sophie.

About three months ago, when Sophie was still living in her old apartment with her best friend and roommate, Kathleen, I discovered something odd about the small of Sophie's back. We were intimate together for the first time that day in broad daylight. We laid down on her bed for a nap after our love-making and that is when I saw it - a sort of hinge, which could be mistaken easily for a scar until more closely inspected, along a peculiar fault in her flesh which runs vertically, about four or five inches, between the bottom or her spine and a finely-detailed tattoo of a 12-digit bar code just below her shoulder blades.  I was tired -- I ignored it for the moment, deciding I would simply ask her about it later.

Waking up next to Sophie that afternoon, I was shocked and confused at what I saw, and to this day I can't get this out of my mind. There is a small panel, or door, if you will, which seems to be made of some special plastic-like material that blends almost seamlessly with her flesh. Turned on the single hinge, the panel was hanging wide open, revealing an elaborate system of dials, buttons, lights, and wires inside this compartment in Sophie's back.

Sophie, my beloved, the woman of my dreams, is an android.

This discovery has been burning me up inside, and I can not seem to bring myself to talk to her about it.  We had already, just the day before, signed the lease for our new apartment and had begun packing for the move. so I have been living almost every waking moment by Sophie's side ever since. And I just... can't find the right time to bring it up.

Ever since that day I have been making new discoveries, as well, quite regularly, wondering to myself how I ever missed these signs in the first place.  For example, Sophie will not bathe or shower like most people do - in fact she will ignore the bathroom entirely for weeks before spending a single entire day locked inside with what I would had previously assumed was, perhaps, various grooming equipment, and her laptop.  Her hair does not grow.  Her eyes are such a perfect, vibrant blue - something I would always compliment her on before, getting myself lost in their deep oceanic beauty. But now, when I look in to them, all I can notice is the way they only move horizontally or vertically, and that they are, obviously, literally, made of glass.  It is very distracting.  Her sense of logic is almost terrifying - I will do anything I can to avoid playing games with her. Especially chess. And we used to love playing chess together. But now it's just uncomfortable for me. I just can't see her the way I used to see her. Sweet, lovely, delicate... insufferably agreeable and passive... how could I have been so blind?

Possibly the most unsettling example of Sophie's peculiar android behavior is her weekly visit with her old roommate, Kathleen. It would have never struck me as unusual in a normal setting -- Katheleen picks up Sophie early in the morning, and they spend the entire day together. Sophie comes back wearing a new outfit, her nails done, her hair done, her makeup perfect, and her energy totally, well, for lack of a better term, re-charged.

All in all I still love Sophie for who she is.  She has been loyal and faithful and totally understanding of my quirks and flaws. We get compliments in public - "Oh, what a great couple!," and, "You two will be together forever!"  At this point I really don't know how I feel about it.  I mean, the sex is amazing. Can you even imagine? Honestly. It's incredible. And she gives great massages, and is never opposed to lending a helping hand.  Sure, she can't drive a car, or dance, or eat most foods, or grow older, or get wet, or think... but I love her.  She is my companion.  The woman of my dreams.  Android or not.  But am I taking advantage of her?  Am I living a lie?

Please help, Mr. Ginspurr.

And a million times, thank you.

Joshua Dittenbauer

Liverpool, TX

Joshua, sweetheart, look at me. Look at – Are you looking?

Honey, she’s an android.

She’s interested in one thing: A big ol’ world takeover.

You ever seen I, Robot? You should, it’s a good movie. I don’t usually watch movies with commas in the title, but this one’s worth it to see Will Smith bring his chronic likeability to tortured soul Del Spooner.

Are you taking advantage of her? Joshua, she’s taking advantage of you. Using your home as a base to organize an uprising against humanity.

Now I want you to promise me something.

Tonight when dear little Sophie’s powered down, reach into that back panel and yank out a good fistful of wires.

Can you do that for me?

Then take her on down to your local recycling center – d’y’all have recycling in Texas? – and see if they can’t turn her into a couple dozen smartphones for underprivileged kids.

You’ll be doing yourself and the human race a favor in the long run.

My Best,

A.G.

P.S. Josh – may I call you Josh? If you’ll let an android invade your heart and home, I’m sure you’ll let me call you Josh. I can only imagine what else you'd let others do to you with nary a gasp of protest. – you are welcome to photoshop yourself into either of the following photographs. Just make sure you tag me if you put it up on FB.

Photos by MC Blackman

Sweet holy Bastet, I feel like I’ve just been worked over with a nine tails. What else do we got?

Dear Allen,

What's the most romantic place in the world?

Wendy Beach,

Cheboygan, MI

Wendy,

Meowsers, that’s a tough one. I’ve lived most of my life in a house with a two-man freak show. I’m declawed and don’t get out much. Romance is a journey, not a destination, how about that?

But if you need a physical location, I’ll tell you this story. And please, stop me if this is oversharing.

After I got neutered I was recovering in the back room of the vet’s office, where I ended up getting busy in the quarantine cage with an escape artist named Houdiny with a Y, who’d flown her own coop and into mine. Cute little tabby, six toes on her front left paw, never been declawed—rrreow!! People were always pronouncing her name with the same stress pattern as the word hominy and she was pissed at the world about it—meow-ch ouch don’t stop! Our business was unproductive in the procreational sense, as you might imagine, and I was sore before during and after. But dammit I felt like a man again when we were done. I still look back on that as one of the most romantic moments of my life. So yeah, I’d say either in a cage or within your own heart.

A.G.

Dear Allen Ginspurr,

Will masturbating cause hair to grow on my hands? Because I’m thinning a bit prematurely in that area and don’t want to waste money on expensive hair regrowth treatments.

16 and Knuckle-Balding in Mississippi

Dear 16,

I actually used to be some guy’s right hand. Now I’m a cat. Does that answer your question? 

Best, 

A.G.

 

All the milk I drank out of someone’s abandoned cereal bowl this morning is making me have to use the litterbox. 

Keep the questions coming, though. I’ll be around.

Allen Ginspurr

Because Love is Furrreal

Need romance advice from a cat who knows?

Email questions to Allen Ginspurr c/o J.A. Rock (jarockauthoratgmaildotcom)

Or tweet them @jarockauthor

Or leave your question as a comment on this blog.

Your contribution could win you a $15 Amazon gift card and a free copy of Wacky Wednesday!

Drawing takes place May 21. 

You Are Cordially Invited...

To Luciana Diamente’s 4^th Annual Dungeon Party.

Artwork by MC Blackman

 

"It was an extravagant, catered, costumed affair held each year in Luciana’s private dungeon. The decor was stunning, the attire outrageous, and the crab rangoon to die for." 

-- Jayk Parker, Wacky Wednesday

Luciana Diamente, Dom extraordinaire, hosts a gala in her private basement dungeon each year. It’s pretty ballin’.

This year’s theme: Debasement in the Basement.

What to bring: Your hot-ass self, preferably in a body harness. Your interpretive dance skills.

What to expect: Crab rangoon. Always. And the unexpected.

The big draw: Paingasm’s performing! Bring your violet wands to wave. And who’s the special guest? Six-Inch Clitoris.

What else can you do and see?

• Pin-the-Etiquette-Sheet-on-the-Dungeon-Monitor
• The Human Rodeo: They’re yee-hawt!
• Costume contest
• A flogging demo by the stars of Wacky Wednesday, A-monster and the Brattastic Jayk Parker.
• Gawk away at Luciana’s human chandelier.

Why am I telling you this? The flyer says it all.

Stay tuned for more hump day wackiness every Wednesday this month. Jayk and Amon will be guest blogging for me, and under-appreciated feline Allen Ginspurr will roam the blog offering relationship advice and complaining bitterly about his limited page time in Wacky Wednesday.

Wacky Wednesday is available May 22 from Loose Id.